Amazing how a $2.29 K-Mart Turkey Baster can offer
up so much in prankster fun time. OK, I hear that Rolling Stones’ tune, Mother’s
Little Helper and maybe, just maybe “Things are different today I hear ev’ry
mother say”. Let’s hope so. But from 1985 through the end of 1988, all out
attempts by the Alyeska Measurement Department’s “Masterbating Spreadsheet” fools
in clown costumes found an engagement to cheat the system of merits in measurement
accountability with respect to accuracy, well it was a real challenge. Especially
behind any “honesty is the best policy” those dedicated salt of the earth
Alyeska workers, like myself, that called out this “bluff” charge fostered by
incompetency. See, during that time period, Alyeska had begun to become the “laughing
stock” with the “Owner Company” Custody Transfer field auditors, as any feeble
attempt to cheat-sheet the system so that Kopp’s “parallel resistors” could
look good amongst themselves, well it did not mean a rat’s ass to the commodity
owners. It was good for a laugh! See, any “overs & shorts” from an inaccurate
measurement so “tweaked” out-of-tune to make the show & tell appear
seaworthy, in the end the “Owners” lost not a drop of precious oil. As they had
their own measurement systems up north in Prudhoe Bay, so relied on that “ticketing”
as a final say so in the end zone. So if they sent 10000-barrels of crude oil
from say the Kuparuk River field and when it hit Alyeska’s “tweakdom” Yellow Matter
Custardy Transfer “skid” which then measured only 900-barrels, when it was all
said and done, it was still 1000-barrels for ARCO when that stuff finally ended
up at the Cherry Point refineries. The “Checks & Balances” worked, even if
Alyeska’s “Measurement Clowns” tried so hard to sabotage those efforts by going
against the grain of time proven standards - just follow the yellow brick road
instead of a dead-end street! So looking good with this unwarranted “tweaking”,
it was a self-serving “you kiss my ass and I’ll kiss your ass”…it was sick and
the reason I gave up my position at Pump Station #1 as the “Custody Transfer
Lead”, because changing the station’s “human waste shit bag” was more important
then measuring that oil with any accuracy. I knew my days were numbered, as one
day when Fat Alex “Two Chairs” showed up at the station very early one morning,
I shook his naked hand with my rubber gloved hand that smelled just like his
entire management staff. So for fun and no fame nor shame, I started fucking
with Alyeska’s “Measurement Specialists” gurus, by sabotaging the system to see
just how observant they were when things were on “Tilt”. Good thing those “Measurement
Spreadsheet Masterbaters” are not engaged as bankers, even though the “Custody
Transfer” is the “Cash Cow’s Cash Register”. Sad, when people get on in age
never learning the know-how in kindergarten math, as for real with Alyeska’s
measurement accuracy statement - half full or half empty? Talk about a five-finger
discount! Here’s the deal. The tweaking, the fudge factors, this constant DCF
adjustment that some guy missing a brain would send to the station technicians,
well like said before the “Owner Companies” cared less about Alyeska’s “incompetence”
as it hurt no-one’s interest…take that back it hurt the state of Alaska in its “Royalty”
share of the “black gold”, and that is what determines that yearly PFD…mind
you! So when Alyeska had me in a competitive race with respect to climbing that
corporate ladder, in competition with Chris Alexander, I had to resort to
sabotage in efforts to cool off “Daddy’s Little Girl’s” growth up that 5th
Floor Bragaw back stairs - or back door? See, I thought I was doing everything
accordingly, but was not gaining any traction on that promotional scene, which
was very embarrassing! So that “Turkey Baster” became my tool of the trade
against my nemesis, as I was still in charge of “oversight” on the Custody
Transfer at Pump Station#1, until such time I had trained a competent staff of
4-Pipeline Technicians, then it was over with and I was to be castrated. I
figured, what the fuck, as the “fudge factors” that had become routine from the
“Masterbaters”, what’s the problem with a little help from a friend to fuck it
up some more? And my “Rebel Without A Cause”, make sure the state’s “Royalty”
share was heavy-handed on the British Petroleum side of things - to enhance
that PFD handout! So with that “Baster” and every other day while I was on
shift, I would take a few gulps of the “Quality Bank” sample bottle from ARCO
and place it into the SOHIO canister and vice-versa and then a few squirts into
the…I messed with the “Quality Bank” and the freak’n “Masterbaters” never saw
it coming, for an entire year at least, I fucked with the samples - and no one
ever caught onto it. The “Quality Bank”, that which represents how a commodity
owner that shoves North Slope “crude oil” into the common carry TAPS finds
compensation adjustments, depending on the “quality” of that oil. In fact, so
complicated it is the most complicated case in litigation ever of record non-criminal
court hearings. And when messed with, it is something that finds no reconciliation
now that I have let the cat out of the bag! Basically, I fucked Alyeska over as
it was an eye-for-an-eye tooth-for-a-tooth fairy objective - I won because I
took advantage before it was taken against me. Not only that, little did the entire
cast of amoeba brained “Spreadsheet Masterbaters” understand the power at my
fingertips, and Alyeska messed with the wrong “thug”. See, I helped develop the
“Code” for the Lisburne “Custody Transfer” metering. Which would become the
standard for SOHIO and ARCO and Kuparuk and then the Endicott “Measurement
Skids”. And there existed some secret codes, no one in Alyeska understood -
which could be used to manipulate the number crunching and with 5-days delay in
that oil running down that 800-mile Trans-Alaska-Pipeline, there was no way
this “manipulation” could ever be detected. See, they were playing games in
trying to balance things out, just to look super good when the mathematical concepts
indicated such a complication could never balance - so when the Measurement Department’s
“Spreadsheet Matersbaters” would show up at PS#1 and under-the-table hand over
the DCF “tweak” factor to bring things into alignment, I would be right behind the
station troops with another “Tweak“ of my own two can play the game - and it would
drive thum masterbaters crazy. Knowing I was a short-timer, why not fuck UNCLE
AL over the coals and I did so “Royalty” wise! I Confess…the Custody Transfer
from 3/20/1989 through 12/1/1990, it was purposely messed with out of a hunch
my days were numbered, yes a douche by a turkey baster - in anticipation I
would get screwed over. The last laugh, as nobody ever caught on - as when the individuals
responsible are too busy masterbating in schmooze, that hobnobbing ejaculation must
have meant premature joy. And the “Spreadsheet
Masterbaters” know TO whoM I Am Referring.
