Not fair, by any
stretch or stench of George Mucus Nelson’s pipeline imagination, that in a
pinch yellow rain mildew can substitute for hot-diggity-dog mustard. Yes, that
yellow matter custard, not dripping from a dead dog’s eye, but that afterbirth
that exits the exhaust stacks of the power turbines used to motivate that oil
south googoo g’joob. Chalk it up, stool sample Number One! And for those not in
the know, due permafrost and a limited budget, the Alyeska Pipeline Service
Company did not sink disposal wells at the 12-pump stations along the 800-mile
long Trans-Alaska-Pipeline. Instead, it used all the allocated latrine duty
$loot$ for the $million$ dollar crappers at the loading berths in Valdez, so
drunk tanker crews could puke their guts out before returning to duty. What’s
up with Chuck, and at the stations, what a novel idea - just burn harmless the
human shit. Now all the fromunder bottoms and slip stream stuff is congregated
in a tub, the liquid crap and urine squeezed out and injected into the stacks,
to be burned harmless. But there is an afterbirth phenomenon, as the dispersed
liquid going through the annihilation process due the dew point it reaches in
the upper atmosphere - hot air mixing with colder air - it creates its own
weather system and the afterbirth falls as “yellow rain” and covers everything
around the stations’ outside perimeter with a “yellow matter custard”. Singing
in the rain, it’s 2nd generation “crap”, no doubt about it. That is
why the piping looks so dingy, it’s afterbirth crap. And when on a beautiful
blue-sky day, the reason a yellowish cloud could be seen miles and miles away engulfing
these stations - the air we breath! Matter of fact, crash Harvey the crew
change pilot used to fly high above the cloudy horizon on bad weather days and
look for the “yellow eye of the storm” poking through, then hold on to your lunch
as the Convair commenced a super-sonic dive and there was the station time to go
to work. Now there is this thing called a “shit bag”, where the liquid depleted
outhouse waste forms into a cake, that has to be removed and all the guts and
strainers cleaned, on a regular basis depending on the camp cooks menu and
episodes of explosive diarrhea. Yes, cleaning
chores by a human pipeliner and it is usually a “Dirty Job” reserved for the
low seniority workers or if there is a female on the staff, bingo. I once heard
that a fellow pipeliner wrote to Mike Rowe, to see if he and his crew was
interested in doing a segment on this “shit bag” - no response. Now up in Big
Oil country, well just dig an expensive disposal well that is out of reach of a
discovery drill bit, pump the crap downhole and hope no one ever “fracs” for
“crap”.
OK, I have been
chastised because my Uncle Al’s Closet blog does not paint a very enlightening
picture of Alyeska, especially its executive management and the trickle-down
theory seems to have ruffled some feathers of the underlings, with my once upon
a time coworkers in fame. So let me clear the record, as many of my associates
up and down the line in and around Valdez, good people even though I could
never understand that “kiss everything that looks like an ass” sign in the
crappers on the 5th Floor of Bragaw. So, giving credit wherein
credit is due my brethren pipeliner.
Now pipeline work can
be boring, as the prime goal is to keep that station pumping oil, and there is
very little down time as gas turbines like found on the wing of a passenger
jet, on and on forevermore. But the stations are manned, not for the
maintenance criteria as a priority, but the pipeline is required to have a
certain head-count for oil spill “recon” response should the pipeline leak
detection find that a drunk shot a hole through the pipe thinking that groaning
from a passing “shit scraping pig” was a moose in heat. Which means feeding the
captive audience and that means human waste accumulation. Well the folks at a pump
station wanted a project, so the supervisor told them to take a good shit, and
they did. See, while sitting around the break table, the crew came up with the
bright idea that “shit” rolls downhill and some of the low rank technicians
needed a project in efforts to progress up the Technician ladder - for more pay
for doing nothing, but eating and shitting! Wow then, why not send the shit to
Valdez? Yes indeed, where daily major maintenance activities finds the
technicians in constant contact with that oil, so what that lump I just cleaned
out of pressure transmitter, it was a turd - coming down the Alyeska Poopline!
For real, the station
folks started a project to re-pipe the shit and urine and kotex and used
rubbers waste line, new pipe allowing the stinky stuff to be pumped into the
freak’n pipeline. And they were so proud of themselves, like a 3-year old getting
party trained! As it was a somewhat major project and materials, like pipe and
fittings and valves, all that stuff had to be ordered and approved by the
station manager and purchased. And because it became part of the “pipeline”,
you can’t buy the “certified” stuff at Home Depot. Then they got caught,
because the station was no longer ordering new shit bags, GOTCHA.
But herein is wherein
the Alyeska management finds no bragging rights, as if you can take your focus
off the “mission”, the stool pigeons will get away with…and I was one of those
technicians that was in constant contact with that oil when it made its way to
Valdez, you son-of-a-bitches is my sentiment. How fucking dumb, as even a
kindergartener would know the difference between this kind of wrong verses
right. And no one got fired over this? And was this reported to the regulators?
Show me the proof. The sad thing, while we were working with that crude and
these station master jerk off artists just sitting around the break table and
eating a free lunch to shit some more our way, we were getting paid the same!
And every time I rethink that stuff that looked like a floater may have one
time belonged to Fat Alex, we should have sued the bastards for hazardous waste
pay. So, why in hell should I give a rat’s ass my feeling towards a bunch of
hoodlums that had nothing better to do but cause trouble, due laziness. In
Valdez, like already mentioned, there was no “free lunch” and we worked our ass
off, sometimes 6-hours each day up to our knees in slush and snow. And had we a
UNION, when this was discovered, we could have demanded justice. Matter of
fact, any of the guilty party technicians or management reading this response,
send me your home address and I will reciprocate, with a bag of shit as your
retirement is empty until the Fat Lady Brings. So those of us in Valdez, we got
douched with human feces. But I guess the fact the company continues to win the
most ethical…I rest my case!
